what's been weighing on my mind....

I have had a lot on my mind lately. I keep wanting to write about it, but somehow fail to have the time or to take the time to sit and write about it. I am making the time now. My life has been a blur for a while now. I was pregnant & sick for what seemed like forever. Finally I had my little bundle of joy, and Six- months later, I am still exhausted! I have so many things to talk about, but since I am already on topic of children I will carry on; Douglas has been a challenge through and through. He is not bad by any means, but difficult. He has been a poor sleeper from day one, he has recently gone through some eating challenges, and is still working it out. Like I said it has been exhausting – but I could write a book about that so, we will leave it at that for now.

Most recently I have had a hard time emotionally dealing with death. I attended the funeral of a friend from high school, It was my friends little sister, she was only 27 years old. This is the same age that my sister was when she died. I can completely relate to how my friend feels, in losing a sister. The funeral was much harder to deal with than expected. I had also gone to school with the husband of the girl that died. I rode the bus with him, and even baby sat him along with his little brother. We were all very close at one time. Attending this funeral brought back a lot of ill feelings from nearly six years ago when my sister left our world. After dealing with my depression from that, I then received the news of another death. The death of a wonderful young man that I personally have never met, but meant the world to a good friend of mine. Normally I would give my condolences and move on, but this was different. This 25 year old was killed in an vehicle accident out on a country road. This 25 year old was like a brother to my friend. Not only did I have empathy for my friend, but also everyone that was affected by this tragedy. My friend from high schools death brought back feeling from my sisters death, and this death brought back feelings that I have had pushed way back inside of me from when my boyfriend was killed in a car accident back in 1997. It was so hard for me to deal with the death of this boy that I had never met, only because I could honestly relate to every individual involved. Both of these deaths this year have truly been tragedies of individuals that will not ever be forgotten, but will always be remembered.
Speaking of remembering, that brings me to my next thing that has been weighing heavy on my mind. I had one friend remember one of my personal losses. My loss of my baby that I miscarried – my due date was on St. Patty’s Day. I was having a hard time with this, and it made all the difference that at least one person remembered with me. I have many angels up in heaven watching over me, and one of them is my baby. This was a very hard time when it happened. It is something that I don’t think any woman ever fully gets over. No matter how long you carry your child inside of you – from the moment that you know that you have this miracle growing within, you are attached.

Now that I’ve drowned you with death, lets talk about friendship. Through out my life I have been blessed with so many friends. I am very thankful to have always had someone by my side. That said, I have grown apart from so many of them, and as I am told that is how life goes. I have learned a great lesson from most all of my friendships, some how to be a better friend, some on how to piss off or even lose a friend, and some I have just had some really awesome times with. I often wonder what some are up to and facebook has helped me along with that, even though I fought it tooth and nail, I am now addicted. I am thankful to have reconnected with some long lost friends. I have made some fabulous new friends from joining a meetup group in February of 2008. I feel very blessed to have such a well rounded group of friends.

Over the years I have been through a lot. I have had more than my share of hard times. I have had many wonderful times as well. I am married to an awesome guy that adores me, and puts up with my unique characteristics. Don’t get me wrong, we have our moments where we are in the crazy circle, but that is fine, if we were not meant to be then we would not have made it through the past 11 years together. We have two magnificent children that are the center of our world for the next 18-20 years, and I love it! I am so thankful to be able to stay at home with them and experience all of their firsts. I am the one that gets to teach them their ABC’s. I am the one that gets to nurture them, and that is incredible. Yeah, times can be hard, and money is tight, but I would not trade it for anything. I love my job as a mother and wife. I am thankful for my husband that works hard so that I can do this. I don’t mind clipping coupons, eating in, or my kids wearing hand me down clothes. They are happy, healthy and it is all because of my dear husband and me. As much as I may complain about life, mine really is not that bad. I am blessed with more than many, and I appreciate life so much more than most.